Riding with History

I've been enjoying my time here in Ventura. I'm taking some time to digest my back diagnosis and figure out how to cope with the reality of a body that has limitations. The doctor is not optimistic that I can return to competitive running or racing, but doctor's don't always have the final word. The great thing about triathlon is that there are three sports. I'll be grateful for what I can do and stay positive.

While my religion is now at least temporarily banned (running has always been my church), I can still ride and swim. So here I am, at the in-laws taking some time to re-group with bike, goggles and my chihuahua, Zola Budd, in tow.

I love the quiet thinking time I have while riding the roads of Ventura County. There seems to be fewer cyclists and distractions compared to the Bay Area. I don't feel the need to test or prove myself and can just focus on being grateful to ride.

One of my favorite routes starts in Ventura, heads to Santa Paula, then to Ojai on 150 and then down the Ventura River Trail bike path to the ocean. Yesterday, I came upon a family riding their cruisers and MTBs on the path. My old self would have politely but quickly passed them by to continue on with my training session. On this day, I slowed down and I'm glad I did.

I ended up having a terrific conversation with "Mike." We talked about Ventura, getting married, kids, work, the cameraderie of sport and a little about triathlon. Mike shared that he was the guy who finished between Kathleen McCartney and Julie Moss at the 1982 Hawaii Ironman. How cool is that! He was a guy who was part of triathlon in the early days and finished smack in the middle of one of the sports' most famous moments. (If you are not familiar with the story, Julie Moss crawled to the Ironman finishline. As she painfully made her way there, Kathleen McCartney ran past her for the win) Pretty neat stuff. Mike says he does triathlons now and then, but always finds it hard to get into run shape. (Don't we all!?!).

I was happy that Mike was cruising along the bike path and not running that day. He gave me something to smile about until I reached the breathtaking views at the coast. Then my smile became a wide toothy grin.

I'm currently in the Ventura/Santa Barbara, Calif. area to escape for a week or two to some of my favorite training haunts. I arrived in Ventura on Friday night and not a moment too soon. It was a rough week. I went in for another MRI to get some updated pictures of my back. The pictures were telling and the story not the type you want to write for yourself.

I am moving beyond the negative and go forward, but here is the situation. The last disc in my spine, the L-5/S-1 disc, is toast. When we saw the MRI pictures in April of 2007, the disc was in bad shape so I was expecting to see more of the same in the new pictures. However, I wasn't expecting to see the level of degeneration that exists. Basically the doctor said that he has never seen an athlete with my condition return to competitive running (or triathlon for that matter).

Naturally this puts me in a very weird space. Do I read the writing on the wall and 'retire' or do I try to work around this back thing and return to racing? I wish the answer were cut and dry.

The doctor explained that currently the vertebrae are slipping on the disc casings. (There is no disc to absorb impact, so the vertebrae are literally moving around/sliding on the disc casings like riding a flat tire on the rims. This causes a lot of pain). The doc said that it is possible that when the casings 'dry out' I may have reduced pain and with that reduced pain the door might open for the possibility of running again. How fast or how competitive? There is no answer to that.

How long might it take for the disc casings to dry out? Who knows. Could be months, could be a year or two. It is entirely possible that I could return to competition at a decent level down the road, but we don't know how long that road is.

Where do I go from here? The doctor has recommended that I undergo another round of epidural and facet block cortisone shots. That will help calm the inflammation and give me some relief so I can work on more strength training. He suggests that I don't run for 12 weeks or do anything of significant impact during that time. Of course, I am also advised to do as much core strength training as possible. I can swim and bike as tolerable.

I've decided that all I can do is focus on what I can do and let the rest take care of itself. I'm spending almost two weeks in Ventura clearing my head and enjoying my time on the bike and in the water. Although it is not realistic to lay out a race schedule for triathlon or running for the remainder of '08 at this point, I am trying to put together an event schedule for swimming and cycling events. At minimum I get to be out there enjoying the cameraderie of sport and maintain a semblance of the lifestyle that I have lived for so long.

I watched the US Olympic Trials for gymnastics on tv the past two nights. It was very inspiring to hear the stories of Alicia Sacramone and Chelsea Memmel. Granted their stories are entirely different than mine, but the fact that they overcame significant adversity helps me in trying to do the same. After all 'trying' is all any of us can do.

I'll be out swimming and riding tomorrow morning and being thankful for whatever my body will allow me to do. In case you are wondering, yes, I have a lot of other interests and pursuits. However, when something is an integral part of who you are and how you live, letting it go and moving on is extremely difficult. For me, I think I can let go of the competition, but losing the fitness and the body that goes with it terrifies me.

My Back Diagnosis up until this point...

I can't say that it's my favorite thing to blog about my back. There are definetley more uplifting things to relate than doctor's appointments and discussions related to the potential end point of my professional racing career.

Still, this my reality and why sugar coat it. My hope is that other athletes who might face similiar issues will find something useful in my posts. Frankly, I also hope that healthy athletes will recognize how incredibly blessed they are to be able to participate in sports - at whatever level.
My tolerance for whining and excuses is ever so thin these days.

Up until now, my diagnosis has been degenerative disc disease and facet syndrome. Here are two links that a friend sent me that do a good job of explaining what those conditions mean.
There are two short videos.

http://www.laserspineinstitute.com/iplayer/facetsyndrome

http://www.laserspineinstitute.com/iplayer/ddd

Today, I returned to S.O.A.R in Redwood City to see Dr. Jeff Saal. I was referred to Dr. Saal over a year ago by well known cycling physician, Dr. Andy Pruit. I haven't had the opportunity to be seen by Dr. Pruit, but he assured me that the folks at S.O.A.R are among the best.

Based on the information I shared with Dr. Saal, he suggested I be scheduled for yet another MRI (my 3rd) and another follow-up visit with him. My last MRI was over a year ago so the intent of this new MRI is to compare it to the previous. We will be looking for any changes and further deteroriation of my condition.

Dr. Saal wasn't all doomsday, but fairly pragmatic and realistic. Let's just say he wasn't forseeing me competing much more as a professional triathlete. He suggested it was time for me to start 're-creating' myself and thinking about becoming a 'recreational' athlete. He said I could live a 'normal life.' I will have to 'adjust' my expectations and do anything I can to not aggravate my back.

I'm not throwing in the towel yet. Naturally it is prudent to wait for next week's MRI and follow-up diagnosis. The doc wants to do another round of injections and further exploration of strength training and non-impact training. I'm game for that. After 5 years of struggles I'm not going to quit. It is no secret to anyone who has followed my career, that I have a bit of a 'lackluster' swim. That is about to change.

Pain in the Back

It would be an understatement to say that I am frustrated. In 2003 I had the first hints of something not being 'right' with my back. At first it was a little twinge that showed up in my lower back. What has transpired since 2003 includes a never ending treadmill of trips to chiropractors, physical therapists and specialists. I've had three MRIs, hundreds of adjustments, traction therapy for my neck and traction therapy for my back. I've taken breaks from swimming, time off from cycling and time off from running. I've tried complete rest. (By the way, complete rest = weight gain!).

I've been to several top notch chiropractors, each who has tried to help me diagnose and treat my back. I've had the pleasure of working with some of the best physical therapists in the Bay Area. Each has been optimistic that they could help me become stronger than the definition of strong itself. I've been diagnosed with a degenerated disc at L-5 / S-1 and the idea is to shore up the core so that I don't unnecessarily move that area.

At first I avoided any meds. Then I relented because the pain was so bad and went with some ibuprofen. I've iced thousands of times. I've stretched. I've strengthened. I've tried yoga, dabbled in pilates. I've tried mental training exercises. I've read scores of books. Everything from looking at food as the root of inflammation to more general 'pain free living' books.
Now, I pop Voltaren with increasing frequency. Other than making my stomach feel like poo, I'm not sure those things help at all either.

Last year I took a big leap and opted for cortizone injections in my back. (A lot of fun, let me tell you). The cortizone was intended to reduce the inflammation and 'calm down' the area in which the pain was likely to be originating.

My first injections were in April 2007. It was very scary to go to the surgery center.
Who likes needles anyway? I certainly don't. Just getting an IV line makes my stomach twist into pretzels.

I survived the procedures without out too much trauma and within the first week improvement was significant. I felt like a brand new person. It is amazing how one's demeanor changes when pain fills your life. After those injections I was like the old, dynamic, 'real me' once again. I had some brief glimpses of the athletic prowess that lies within. I went up to Oregon and competed in the Pacific Crest Half Ironman triathlon. I posted the fastest 56 mile bike split of my career and got onto the run with a 5+ minute lead. I wasn't able to hold that lead and finished in 3rd, but that day showed me that I still had it and anything was possible.

Unfortuneately the cortizone effects were short lived. I went back in for repeat injections in September. The treatnebts had little positive effect. Just five weeks later, with the ITU duathlon world championships on the schedule, I was forced just a day before my flight to try a third emergency round of shots. Though the pain was slightly diminished my function was limited. I struggled through the world championships and finished 19th.

Since October of 2007, I have not raced. I have had a difficult time of walking, putting on my pants or training at all. Over the past few months, frustrated by a 20 pound gain in weight, I determined that 'rest' was doing nothing for my back or my former iron-body. I've gone back to strength training and cycling. Next week I will try swimming. The thing that is so frustrating is that I can function in certain situations with manageable pain, but then for no real reason, the next minute I struggle to walk.

Doctors have said I have a degenerative disc condition. I know I have issues with nerves getting pinched. (I'm guessing that's why I get periodioc blinding pain, easily fall for lack of motor control and the fact that putting on my socks might as well be an olympic gymnastic event).

I'm slowly adding more volume to my training, but I am still in pain. Sitting is horrid on my back, moving is better than not moving. Its like a horrible nightmare of closed doors. I keep trying to open doors but am hitting a brick wall.

I just called my specialist to try and get another appointment. Maybe I need to discuss surgery, something that scares the tar out of me. I won't even touch on the 'what ifs' of that one.

Ultimately, the choice is still mine. Sit inside, get fat and be in pain or go out and ride and deal with it. Perhaps when I get back from my ride the doctors will have called and another chapter will be added to this saga. Believe me, I've kept the story short. Beside pain and frustration the other theme that has stayed with me over 1800 days of struggle is optimism. I still believe I can lick this.

One of those training days

Frequently people say to me, "I would love to just train for triathlons" when talking with me about my status as a professional triathlete. First of all, I don't think there are many pros who 'just' train for triathlon. Reality is, unless you are at the top of the sport and consistently earning a prize money paycheck and/or bonuses from sponsors, you aren't 'just' training.
As much as I would love to tell you that I make big bucks from triathlon, that just isn't the case. Not yet anyway!

Secondly, I would suggest that when people say they would love to be 'just training' they might reconsider if they really knew what they were asking for. Just because a weekend of swimming, cycling and running can be a tremendous amount of fun doesn't mean that training day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year is the best thing on the planet.
Like any pursuit, (I don't like to refer to triathlon as a job!), there is a day-to-day grind aspect of training for triathlons, especially when you are training solo.

Don't get me wrong. I love training, I love competition and I love the sport of triathlon. Why else would I continue to struggle and try to find a way to work with a degenerative disc condition that leaves me nearly unable to get out of bed, put on my pants and shoes or pick up my cat or dog off the floor? I love being fit, the pursuit of being the best one can be and seeing what the human body can do. What I am getting at, is that not every day is all peaches and powerbar gel.

Yesterday was 'one of those days'. If you are an endurance athlete, I don't even need to continue. You know what I mean.

I took an extraordinary amount of time to get myself dressed, fed and ready to get on the bike. The marine layer of fog was particularly thick and the winds gusty and unpredictable. When I first started my ride, I found myself thinking, "ugh, this isn't what I'd hoped for." I reminded myself the weather was part of the gig and like thousands of other workouts, you sometimes just have to get it done. So I did. Or should I say, so I tried.

I got about 20 miles into my ride and unexpectedly hit a very long stretch of road that was under construction. The road had been stripped down to the grooves leaving the shoulder unridable and downright dangerous. We are talking several inches of loose sand and gravel.
The condition of the shoulder forced me to ride a bit further into the lane that I would have liked. I am a very aware, skilled and courteous cyclist, but when conditions are dangerous you have to protect yourself and ride accordingly. I had a few folks fully lay on their horns right when they were even with me. Nice. The sound of the Escalade horn nearly caused my heart to seize. Having a heart attack on the bike, now there is a way to go.

Minutes later I felt the sinking feeling that comes with a rear flat tire. Part of the job. Part of training. I tried to get over as far as possible and went to work fixing the tire. Now, with the tell tale dirty hands, clothing and cold shill from stopping I got back on the bike and headed onward.

Just as I was starting to get back in the groove, a mere five or so minutes later, I felt that ominous sinking feeling again. Another flat tire. The road was so rough, riddled with pot holes and sharp edges, I guess my tires just weren't holding up. I stopped and sat on a man hole atop of pile of dirt and got to work.

A few spent C02 cartridges and an arm workout with the mini-pump later, I was set to go. I was riding my Blue T14 time trial bike and had two hand positions, on the aerobars or on the bull horns. Well, no sooner had I got back in the saddle did I realize that my brake lever (on the bull horn) was completely loose. The brake still worked, but every groove and bump in the tore-up road was giggling my brake lever into circles. Now, I had a potentially dangerous situation with a loose part. I was riding an a wickedly rough downhill slope that without braking could see me hit some pretty high speeds with little effort. Speed, very rough road and squirrely brake levers are not an optimal situation.

I stopped again and pulled out a wrench to see if I could tighten the pesky brake lever. No dice. I couldn't fix it. I made the best of it and carefully made my way back home albeit on a bit of a shortened ride.

My ride experience is not atypical of any other triathletes. Everyone gets flat tires and has mechanical issues. We all have 'one of those training days.' It is those days that do make training a grind on some days. Still, without those days you don't have the glorious, makes-it-all-worth-it training days either. So, with that I am off to get on my bike and start a new day.
I bet this one will be a lot better. Today I am riding my Blue R6 while my T14 sees the bike doctor.